my complicatedly simple thoughts

I wish I am. And I wish I’ll be ;___;

Dear Moose *),

Remember the time when I was laughing so hard because you told me that you were initially going to be named Kahlil Gibran, after one of my favorite poets?

Remember the time when you put your arm around me brotherly, thanking me for calling you so you can watch Step Up 3D with your classmates?

Remember the time when Jakarta went to a total gridlock and we were stuck at Eirene’s until 9 PM and we killed the time by taking lots of pictures using your Macbook?

You know what? It sucks when someone is slowly slipping away from us. The next thing you know is that they’re already gone, and all you can taste is this big hole of emptiness.

That’s exactly what you did to me. To us.

To 3 girls who stood by you all the time, taking good care of you, laughing with you, and understand you, even in your worst moods.

So tell me why, Moose.

Tell us.

Tell us what went wrong, because we did our best for you.

We did our part as your bestfriends very well.

As much as we hate doing this… we still miss you.

And tonight, you made THREE GIRLS cried for you.

P.S.: I wish you nothing but the best. :)

She’s been staying with you longer than I did.
She’s been your escape long before I did.
…And you apparently prefers her more than you prefer me.
So yeah, sooner or later I eventually have to say goodbye, I guess.
I can take pain, but not this much.

Maybe later. Or maybe, never at all. The choice is always up to you, dear.

…or maybe, by the time you realize, it’s already too late. And by that time, all I can say is good bye. :)

…While on the other hand, you always know how to be someone I miss.

Even love is being unfair, don’t you think?

Monday, 4th of October 2010

12.41 AM

I know I already went through that phase where I would get jealous to every girl that’s close to him, but these past few days we’ve been nonchalantly talking about relationships, though most of the sentences consist of me telling him to get a real-life girlfriend SOON because his anime-girls addiction is no longer tolerable.

I may sound light and chirpy typing those sentences but I can’t help but wondering about this:

Would I be okay if someday he came up saying he likes a girl in his class/he just met on the campus/any other reasons — and not just any girl. she’d be the girl he’s always been dreaming about: moe (whatever that means) and cute and have the same interests and stuff.

Would I be okay if he tells me they’re starting to get close and the girls seems liking him back?

Would I be okay if they’re in a relationship?

Would I  be okay if he ever really have a real relationship with the girl he really falls in love with — the same kind of love I am keeping for him?

I honestly don’t think I’ll be okay with the idea of him falling in love with a girl of his dreams and end up having a long-lasting relationship while keeping me close as his most trusted girl friend (note the space I make between those latter words, yes please!) as well.

That might be sound cruel but yes, love makes you selfish. I don’t care if that makes me the worst bestfriend ever — afterall, I’ve promised him I’ll always be there for him no matter what — but still… the idea scares me. A LOT.

No matter how much the girl would take care of him or love him as much as I do to him right now, she still can’t beat me. A biatch, I am… but that’s the truth. No girl’s ever going to understand him as much as I understand him. :P

Something’s telling me that I have to move on from him, eventually.

It may be unavoidable but I hope that won’t have to occur anytime soon.

…and here I am, typing this while trying so hard to hold back the tears because now I’ve just realized that it ‘occurs anytime soon’ from October. Just 2 months after I wrote that on my little black book and now I really have to do it.

I know someday this gotta end somehow.

Just cut the bestfriends crap and admit that we have now is far from what we call a healthy and normal relationship.

A boy and a girl could be bestfriends for as long as they want to but one of them will eventually fall for the other one. And when that happens, friendship becomes just another fake, painful thing.

…and I think we’re heading that way.

I’m sorry I won’t be able to feel genuinely happy if you ever find a girl that suits you well because that means she’d be better than me.

I’m sorry for all the ‘get a real-life girlfriend, dude!’ craps I’ve been telling you all along in a fake, crappy, pathetic tone while I wish for the opposite inside.

I hope you never find that girl. Or if you ever do, I hope she would be me. 

And the last but not least, sorry for keeping this a secret from you.

I don’t always get the way you feel
But now I’ve learned to live with that
It’s like I’m a part of something real
I was hitting the bottle, now I’ve broke the seal
Looks like I’m growing, I’m growing up beside you…

Growing Up Beside You - Paolo Nutini